Dearest Eli,
i just wanted to say thank you for everything.
I feel completely transformed since I have gone back to my job. For the first time I feel fully engaged and out of the way. Whatever needs to be done, some sort of drive to do it for, has fallen away. What a relief!!!I am still carefully watching this propaganda machine, checking where I am telling the truth and where I am not and what is running deeper. Even writing this mail …
Your skillful means are so incredibly useful in my job. Being in rapport, asking questions to find out why the decisions to go against the law where taken the way they were taken, pointing out that there is a moment of choice, finding the leverage points – I have the feeling after these last weeks of being a juvenile court judge what these youngsters need most is some guidance (in love), feeling accepted the way they are and assisted in taking full responsibility for what they have done. Sometimes that means to pay damages to the victim, sometimes it is enough to apologize, or write an apology letter, fortunately there are special laws for juveniles where education is more important than punishment that gives space for a lot of creativity. The prosecutors I have been working with have supported all my ideas I have been playing with. I am very grateful.
I do see a lot of 8s. I am deeply touched by their sense of justice and how they very often feel they have to fight for the truth and justice, sometimes when others like the police don´t. I see that some police officers just use their power to make them do what they want them to do which in most cases provokes only more attacks and insults and other police officers manage to communicate with these youngsters in a way that they find a solution without needing the court to interfere. I am trying to make the youngsters see their motivation and from where the impulses are coming from and that there is a choice to not follow their impulses. Some are open to that others not so much. I more and more ask what they would have needed to not follow the impulse to attack or insult the police or whoever or to not go and steal something or use stolen money to buy something. Whatever it is. They start to inquire. Some find out, that they would have needed the assistance and presence of a friend or a parent right behind them. It looks as if they do learn something form the court session/trial. So beautiful.
More and more, openings take place in trials. Nothing to to with me. I am so grateful to serve in this place and can use the gift of silence more and more.
All of this would not be possible without having spent so much time with you Eli. I am so grateful!
One of the biggest gifts was that all my attempts to get your love by doing something failed. When coming back from Baden-Baden in September something has fallen off me, like a burden. This drive of needing to do something to get love and approval from the outside that has become such a burden, has somehow deeply changed is even gone more and more often.
I am very very sorry if you felt misused by me.
Just wanted to let you know that I am in deep devotion and in deep love. Whatever it takes. I don´t know.
I wish you and Gangaji a wonderful time on Maui and beautiful retreats!
